No dumb questions. It drives me absolutely up the wall when educators make fun of things they’ve been asked or stuff people didn’t know - especially when it’s their job to be a friendly, approachable resource on a topic. I’d say one in five asks that WADTT gets starts with ‘sorry if this is a dumb question’ and I saw another thread full of people making fun of dumb questions this morning, so, I figured it was time for a reminder that I don’t operate like that.
You probably want to train a ‘trade’ cue with your dog - here’s a good resource on how to do that. The goal is pretty much to have your dog be willing to drop whatever thing they’ve got willingly in exchange for something else high value, rather than try to hold onto it and make you pry it away from them. It’s a more positive and more reliable method of getting things back, and it will help circumvent the tendency of a dog to chomp down on a fragile crayon when they don’t want to give it up.
Give them time, and approach petting and being picked up like behaviors you’d actually train an animal to do. Work in small approximations, only at their comfort level, and reward them heavily for tolerating any part of the process. Don’t expect it to go fast.
I’d also ask you, though, to sort of self-examine how you’re approaching the situation. Why do the cats need to enjoy being petted or picked up? It’s important for them to tolerate such things, sure, so you can make sure they’re not injured and move them if there’s a safety issue, but past that? It feels like kind of a human priority thing: it’s important to us that our cats like these things we want to do to them, but we’re not taking into account that it might be okay for these animals to just have a preference for those things not being done. Will asking the cats to tolerate handling and contact they don’t like make them more comfortable at home, or will it just make you happier? Will they enjoy socializing more when being asked to allow petting, or will you just be more comfortable engaging with them socially through that method rather than figuring out how they prefer to be social with humans instead? I’m not saying you’re wrong to want to condition your cats to be more accepting of tactile interactions, but I do think it’s important to know what are human priorities being projected onto the cats that you’re telling yourself are “for their benefit”, versus what pieces of interactions it is actually necessary for them to be willing to tolerate to successfully coexist in a human home.
I can’t say for sure, but I’d hazard a guess that it’s because it’s her own private space. Pretty much all canids will exhibit denning behavior, and our dogs aren’t all that different. It might be that it’s a space she can get away from the other dog, or that she prefers tight spaces, but either way - it’s her spot. It probably smells like only her and gets nice and comfy in there.
Don’t ever let an animal practice a behavior that you don’t want to continue. Generally, that’s a rule people talk about with regards to babies and adults - e.g. don’t let your giant breed puppy jump on you if it’s something you don’t want them to think is okay as an adult - but I think it’s a great rule for all aspects of behavior management.
Make sure everyone who interacts with this puppy knows that hands are not for chewing, not at all, not even for a couple seconds, not even once if it’s really cute. Then, agree on what you’ll do if the puppy does try to chew on hands, so it’s consistent. If the puppy is teething, giving them another thing to chew on is great. If the puppy just wants to play, pull another toy out or find some way to engage play that’s incompatible with hand chewing. If the puppy is looking for attention or has learned it can get attention by chewing on hands, people should just be immediately disengaging for at least 10 seconds. Depending on the puppy, this latter might be just removing hands - but for very determined puppies who will keep attempting to chew on hands even if they’re behind your back, you might have to actually get up and move away. (Remember that indicating you’re upset about hand chewing, although cathartic, is still attention and will still accidentally reinforce the behavior). The more consistent everyone is with their responses to hand chewing, the less it should occur.
Cats can absolutely learn their names. Now, it may not be that the cat associates [name] with whatever internal awareness they have of existing, and that it identifies them, but that doesn’t mean that a cat might not learn their name as a cue for “pay attention to the human time.” Just because you haven’t reinforced paying attention to their name with treats doesn’t mean you haven’t reinforced it in other ways - like with affection - and it’s pretty likely to also have been used in high association with other positive things, like talking to your cat before feeding them.
I can’t really tell you if your cat understands your internal state, but if your cat isn’t reacting to your stimming in any way that normally correlates with an upset or stressed internal state on it’s part, we can at least say that it’s probably not interpreting your behavior as anything negative. Cats have the capability to learn what’s within the normal range of behaviors for other individuals, just like humans can - so I’d guess your cat has figured out that the expressive physical behaviors that comprise your stims are just normal behaviors for you and that they shouldn’t be overly concerned by them.
It’s entirely possible that she may not be uncomfortable with being petted! Remember, as humans, we have this tendency to interpret big wide-open eyes as being sad or emotional. There’s science, though, that points out that dogs we’re bonded with actually get an oxytocin boost from gazing into our eyes. So next time she does that, look at the rest of her face and her behavior to figure out what’s going on. If the skin around her face is still fairly relaxed and her posture is loose, and she’s actively gazing into your eyes, it’s probably a positive interaction for her!
As to why she pauses wagging and stands still, I can’t say. I’ve definitely seen some dogs who stop wiggling when you pet them but still enjoy the interaction. Maybe it’s a way to more thoroughly enjoy the contact, who knows. The best way to check is to pause with your petting but still offer your hand. If the dog chooses to re-engage by nudging your hand or bumping their body into your or anything similar, that means keep petting.
“(cont.) I was wondering if there was anything you knew of that we could do to help her. She avoids my mother now, and we really want to help her get over it. Thanks for your time!”
That sounds like it’s really tough for the whole family. To start, can your mom switch her phone over to a vibration notification instead of a ringtone? That might be a bit of a temporary fix.
I think what you’re going to need to do is work on some sort of desensitization protocol and also find ways to minimize things that will spook your dog, but it’s not something any trainer can walk you through without seeing the dog and the triggers in person. Your best bet is to find a local, professional, positive reinforcement based trainer who has experience with resolving fear and reactivity issues. Good luck!
I don’t think that in this situation, there’s any “fault” here. It may be that something about the move or the new living situation or how your friends is managing / training him is working better for him, but that doesn’t mean that you’re wrong or that your care for him was done badly. It’s also worth remembering that animals continue to change and grow as they reach adulthood, and that his ability to take these steps with regards to situations he’s uncomfortable with might be due to increased maturity and could have happened if he’d stayed with you, too.
If you’re concerned about it being a physical health issue, you should talk to your vet about it during his next exam - bring with you video of the behaviors that concern you because they probably won’t occur in that setting. I certainly can’t even make a guess without a lot more data and some video, not to mention that it would be irresponsible of me to do so since I’m a) not a vet or a veterinary behaviorist and b) this is over the internet. So you’re way better off talking to someone face-to-face who has the professional credentials and appropriate licensing to help with medical issues.
I’d ask you though: if those behaviors aren’t detrimental to your cat’s welfare or quality of life, do they need to change? If your vet determines they’re not caused by a health issue, then you’ve just got a cat with some quirks. I know we’re sort of trained these days to assume that any deviation from normal in a pet’s behavior is bad or something we need to fix, but I thoroughly support letting pets be themselves - with whatever weird preferences, behaviors, or quirks they come with - as long as those things aren’t detrimental to their health and safety or the owner’s ability to keep them healthy and safe.
You weren’t naive to adopt a dog, but you may have gotten more than you bargained for or are able to deal with. That’s the hard thing about shelter dogs - there’s a lot of studies lately indicating that the behavioral assessments done in shelter situations don’t end up being very accurate once the dog is starting to settle in to a new home.
For now, you’ll need to modify your life as much as you can. If you can’t walk in public places with her safely with people, start walking her super early or late at night. Get the best fitting muzzle you can and start training with it, because some protection is better than no protection. Get a professional trainer ASAP to advise you and help you figure out why your dog is so close to threshold she’s biting strangers.
And honestly, if she ends up requiring more work than you’re able to put in - or if you feel that you can’t keep her or people around her safe with regards to your skill as a trainer - that’s okay. Some people might be jerks and demonize you, but if you have to take her back to the shelter or rehome her, you’re making the choice to prioritize the welfare of that dog and the safety of everyone in your life over your ego and you should be commended for that. Sometimes you really end up with a dog whose needs you didn’t anticipate and can’t accommodate. It sucks, but you’re not alone. I hope it all works out as best it can.
I can’t tell you why she does that, unfortunately. I have known other cats that would go from grooming behavior to trying to chew on you but I’ve never found a good explanation for it.
The best way to discourage it is for you to immediately cease interacting with her as soon as her teeth touch your hand (the beginning of that behavior). Don’t make a big deal about it or get mad or anything, just disengage. Give her a couple of seconds to “reset” and then offer her attention or petting again. Every time you feel teeth, withdraw from the interaction. If you’re super reliable about this for a while - and everyone in your hose has to do it - she should start to pretty quickly figure out that you’re just going to get up and leave if she chews on you.
You know, I don’t have an answer for you! It’s something we see a ton in internet videos and I hear anecdotal stories about it all the time, but I’ve actually never heard a good explanation.
If I had to take a wild guess, I would assume it’s just sort of a really weird situation for a cat to observe: not so much because of the ‘human is getting wet’ part, but because it also involves a lot of noise from the water and the fan and has uncomfortable things like shower curtains and lots of smells. That’s a lot of sensory stimulus, and I could see either the novelty of it stressing the cat out, or maybe just them being concerned because of it.
Since we are social members of our cat’s group - all “cat things we’re weird bipedal cats” memes aside - it might make sense that either the cat is concerned that we’re doing something as strange as showering, or that the cat is wanting to be near us and be social but does not like the proximity to all the stimulus of the shower.
But that’s also literally a wild guess, so take it with as much salt as you think appropriate. Something about showers definitely distresses a lot of cats, but since they can’t tell us what it is and running studies on the variables to try to narrow down what it is they’re reacting to would be really time-intensive, we may never know!
It’s just because she’s more comfortable that way! I can’t tell you why it’s a preferred sleeping position for her body, but if she’s doing it a lot, it means it’s a positive enough thing that she wants to keep sleeping that way instead of other positions.
It’s not unusual for well-socialized felids, but it’s definitely a bit strange for a stray. Do you know the mother cat’s history? I’ve seen stray cats warm up to people but generally they were either socialized more than most feral cats as kittens, or had been pets previously and were now living outside.
Cats that have a strong relationship with humans will “drop off” their kittens to be watched for periods of time, according to folk I know who have done a lot of baby-raising in their lifetimes.
